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29 April 2010 @ 08:40 am
Feeling better  
I'm finally feeling a bit better today.

I called Ian last night and we talked for a few minutes. It's been 11 days since I realized trying to be friends with him upsets me too much, because we have such a good time together and then I just return to this ego-centric bewildered state where I can't believe he can behave in all these affectionate, happy ways and not love me, or think of me in my absence. That was a very big surprise to me at the end of March when he finally told me after, apparently, a gradual loss of interest that was completely invisible to me. I'm still hurt, because we even had a system in place if his feelings changed and he essentially lied to me because, my best guess is, he didn't want to hurt me. People do the meanest things in the guise of being nice. I trusted him, and had a lot of momentum with all of the loving awesome things we were doing, and this has been harder on me than I can express.

I'm glad I called. I was still stressing myself with some hope that he might come back after my absence realizing that he missed me a lot more than he expected to, maybe after a few weeks, or maybe after he went to Tokyo with Cody. Instead, what I learned was that ... well, it's kind of interesting actually. I was thinking recently about the Houston comic book writer and the passionate little Objectivist redhead of yore and how maybe I need a media and magic appreciation club with these kind of emotional, passionate people, rather than a relationship where the interpersonal drama quickly overwhelms me. I guess I'm Ian's media appreciation club girl. In my absence, he wanted to tell me about a John Scalzi book he's read. Other than that, he hasn't missed me. Yeah, it hurt, but I needed to hear it, and it's helped release me from this awful self-torture of hoping and waiting.

I had also come to a quiet peace that Michael didn't miss me either, but he recently sent me an email to tell me he didn't have time for me which, after nearly a year of not making an effort to reach out, I already understood. For whatever reason, getting that email really upset me. Some of it was bad timing, but a lot of it just underscored the fact that I've emotionally invested in 2 people in the last 2 years who didn't know what they wanted and had to go through me to discover it wasn't me, and I already know better than to do that. The last thing I need is someone who feels obligated to tell me they don't have time when all I wanted was someone who sincerely wanted to be my friend.

The toughest relationships have always been the ones where someone didn't know what they wanted.

I'm looking forward to Ian fading from my daily thoughts the way Michael eventually did.

I'm pretty good at being single and looking forward to getting back to the place where that's comfortable and fun for me again. That talk last night was a big step in that direction.

I am really lucky that I have friends who make me a priority and who sincerely want me in their lives, and do a good job of letting me know that. I might be making some far more self-destructive choices if I didn't have that perspective.
(Deleted comment)
Kburgunder on April 29th, 2010 06:50 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much, sweetheart. And if it doesn't? I'm increasingly Ok with that too. I have my music and my dancing people who make my heart full, I have my friends who fill up my mind, heart and soul with love. I'm lucky in a hundred ways that many people aren't. And I have a fun obsessive hobby that can be fabulously distracting when I need it to be ;> I can't wait to show you the crazy stuff I've been working on.

20% chance of Neighbours tonight. I'm going to the artist's reception for SEAF with my friend Cyra, so it'll depend on how late it is when I leave there.
Victoriamahariel on April 29th, 2010 09:33 pm (UTC)
Speaking of which, we need to get together sometime for a cuppa and catch up. My life's calming down now a bit, getting into a routine with the new job and I'm getting better at my balancing act, work + business + family + me, with the "me" part being the least balanced at the moment. Need to work on that!
Kburgunder on April 29th, 2010 09:39 pm (UTC)
That sounds excellent. Are you working downtown or ...? My most frequent available social slot of late has been 12:30-1:30 in the Pioneer Square / International District area for lunch.
Victoriamahariel on April 29th, 2010 09:43 pm (UTC)
The ID's my territory. I'll drop you a line when it looks like I'll be heading that way!
czochralskiczochalski on April 30th, 2010 05:14 am (UTC)
They may be painful steps, but they appear to be headed in the right direction. I have great faith in the fierce little redhead of awesomeness!

Demonutive and Nefaerious still need to go looking for their dimension-hopping cat Mojo....
Cassandrakasiandra on May 4th, 2010 05:19 pm (UTC)
I have nothing to offer besides long-distance virtual hugs and happy, warm fuzzy thoughts. You are loved. :)