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24 June 2008 @ 02:46 pm
the ongoing conversation ... today, it's responsive women  
one of those friends where
having talked at length
even after they go elsewhere
you keep talking

oh how i love those friends

i'm still continuing conversations with my aunt dot
even though she's been dead for a long time
because she was just exactly that thought-provoking and astute

last night lauren (dj_stitch) and i got on the subject
of bisexual girls dating bisexual girls
and some of the inherent awkwardness of the situation
in a city filled with smart, charming, attractive men
who are open minded about bisexual women
and line up when we're single with dimples and anecdotes and hope and
the occasional caw of a circling vulture

we are responsive people, reactive
our only required action at the beginning
when dating men is to make it clear
that yes
i'm interested

then, they get to do quite a bit of the leg work
and if we like what we see, we become responsive

the most valued among us are the most responsive, i think
not just among bisexual women, but simply among women
perhaps simply among people, hell even among pets!
but i think everyone enjoys a demonstrative creature
and even if that demonstration is just in response to something
it's still demonstrative

so i'm brilliant
if you invest a little in me
i'm reactive, i'm responsive, i'm inspired
but if there's no initial deposit

click. whirr. click. whirr.

like i've long forgotten what it is
to be the fire starter
the one doing the leg work
the challenger
like i'm half asleep until someone wakes me up

lazy lazy lazy
comfy comfy comfy

this impacts many things
unfair shares of the kinetic energy that gets the ball rolling
confused girls being eternally hesitant with each other
hypocritically bored with non-instigators without actually instigating

i suspect it's just as much a problem for straight women
in this city where we have so many men
where we have our pick among many
and most of them smart or funny or sexy
when they at last meet a shy man they like
poor shy men
it seems to me that the shy
require years of being reactive and responsive
before they can begin to come out of their shells
i wonder if shy men in this city are
perpetually single
and that they share in our perplexity
we bisexuals, we passive receptors
we idle folk until activated

i used to be the instigator in kansas
where the sexes are more balanced
and before i became
an extreme sexual minority among geeks and gamers

now i'm much more socially inept
much more lazy
amaze me

even among friends where i might be said to instigate
really, i just have a legacy of interesting things
that i'm ongoingly reacting to

lazy, i tell you, lazy...
nplusmnplusm on June 24th, 2008 10:23 pm (UTC)
It's funny you should mention this
This is very much how I feel, but from a male point of view.

I'm interested in about 2% of all women. I'm just saying interested...nothing more. In a culture where most women seem idle until I do a certain amount of leg work, it means I have to do leg work before I figure out if I'm interested. That means 50 times doing the leg work before finding 1 girl I'm interested in. In that case, about 1 time in 3 they are interested in me back. So that now means 150 times doing the leg work to find one relationship that goes both ways. That is a horrible ROI. I'm also lazy to a point, and I'm just not willing to do that much leg work.

And thus, I'm single until I either lower my standards or up my leg work.
abstractmonkeys on June 25th, 2008 01:41 am (UTC)
Re: It's funny you should mention this
A wise woman once said, "...learn to play the guitar and they come to you."
Khallis: Defaultkhallis on June 25th, 2008 03:57 am (UTC)
Re: It's funny you should mention this
Speaking as someone who's played classical baroque guitar for a decade, I can honestly say this has never, ever worked for me.

Though, in all fairness, I may be doin' it wrong.
Khallis: Kanekhallis on June 24th, 2008 10:32 pm (UTC)
This made me smile. I salute you for the consideration and recognition.

It is unlikely to ever be else, I think - girls remain worth the work of instigation, and while that price may sometimes be borne unequally, it is still often worth while. Yet, something in me grins to see it contemplated by a female - there is a mix of camaraderie and amusement together in saying, "Yeah, hard to do, ain't it?". It's not out of any meanness or hostility - rather, I find I draw a sense of reassurance when girls stumble at this prospect as lost as I have been.
Zen Anarchymetalmensch on June 24th, 2008 11:14 pm (UTC)
Precisely so.
urlgirlurlgirl on June 24th, 2008 10:58 pm (UTC)
Interesting to see this in writing, but I sympathize, trust me. Put me down in the "lazy" column, I suppose.

I maintain some kind of romantic notion that when the connection is the right one, this whole instigator/reactor roleplay falls away and eagerness takes over to balance things out. But how people get to that point, specifically how _I_ get to that point - I've no idea.
abstractmonkeys on June 25th, 2008 02:22 am (UTC)
"the most valued among us are the most responsive, i think
not just among bisexual women, but simply among women
perhaps simply among people, hell even among pets!"

That struck me as very insightful. I certainly share your admiration for a responsive woman, in fact it's near the top of my list for what I find attractive.

Due to various causes, both biological and societal, men generally find themselves in the role of suitor and women are the ones sought after. So it stands to reason that two women might both find themselves out of practice at instigating.

Isn't much of the leg work men need to go through obviated when the inherent risks of dating men are removed from the equation?

My experience is that you are very much an instigator by nature. You asked me out; you are constantly posing thought-provoking questions; you do an amazing job of staying out of your comfort zone and drawing me out of mine.

So, if I may be so bold, I think rather than a mutual lack of instigatorialosity, you might be describing being perpetually empathic with someone who has a lower energy level. That's a universal problem for humans trying to have relationships.
propaganda_ministry: Surprisei_maenad on June 25th, 2008 12:23 pm (UTC)
Huh. It's not just bi women, it's women. Not so much today as 20 years ago, but still. We're like a bunch of 7th graders at a high school dance, sitting on either side of the gym, regarding each other all aflutter and afraid, waiting for someone -- someone else -- to make that long, long journey across the floor to ask the question. Would you? Will you? May I?

And then, we say no, no, no, and no when we maybe mean yes, and wonder why we're saying no and wonder what it would take to say yes.


(Gods. I love em.)

Kburgunder on June 25th, 2008 05:30 pm (UTC)

(Gods. I love em.)

A(wo)men. ;>

Edited at 2008-06-25 05:31 pm (UTC)